numbers and sex

interesting things always happen when you least expect them to
i havnt posted i a while and sometimes when i am reading other peoples ljs i stop and wonder why
i wonder if i am not leaving myself enough time to well myself
things a very interesting latley
i moved again
thats nothing unusual
i find myself in a place that i have never been before
i wonder if it will last or if this is just my imagination playing tricks with my heart just to try and get at me one more time
i have discovered some things that i like and some things that i never want to try again
green apple cinnamon watermelon raspberry
there are things that i wonder things that i contemplate
i wonder if i wrote an admissions essay like this one time weather or not i would be accepted
people tell me that im great and that any where that i dont get in must be a terrible place and i would not have wanted to go there anyways just because i did not get in
but it is strange knowing that i ahve already surpassed my family
dreams
what are they and where can they truely take us
i have dreams
yet many tell me that to have these dreams is a false sense of hope because i can never accomplish them because of the way that i am and the very fact that i am unwilling to sell my sould just to gain them in the first place
a week has gone by
no movie yet
no snow in the horizon of the weeks yet to come
good old newport with its sunny weather that doesnt change year round
ive been here for a long time
wanting to get out
getting out and then getting pulled right back in
i dont like the color white
reminds me to much of an institution
guy got one point hugher on a test than me and then proceded to do a happy dance around the classroom
when asked what the reason for the dance was
he said simply i beat her
someone finally did it and it was me
i wonder why this sparked so much joy into this person
i do not wish to seem snooty
unlike my father has told me countless times
i do not wish to sound like i am full of myself either
sometimes i wonder
where am i going
what battles will i face
will i triumph
or ill i die in its place

where am i going
do i really know
do i have anychoice as to what the outcome is
sometimes i wonder
sometimes i wonder if everything that is happening is happening for a reason and theni stop becasue i know that it is
but what is this reason
what is the driving force behind all that exsits
what makes people search for love
what drives people to better themselves
what is it that makes people yearn for soemthing that they dont have
is there something out there that i am just not seeing
why have i met you
what good will come of it
how will we change each others lives
is there some other purpose behind that is not seen
will we have any effect on each other
or is it just another step in the journey of life
do we even matter
is there any point in even considering the we
or will you just leave me like everyone else
will you go back to her if she called
is there any true chance for us
would you turn from me if given the chance
should i give you everything or nothing
do you even want that much from me
how will i ever know if i dont ask you
but im afraid to ask
what will you think of me
will you think me weak
are you weak
do you need me like i need soemone
is there any point or purpose for us to be together
i want to be with you but do you want to be with me
will anything have to be given up for us to be together
will you change when your around me
will you be the same around our friends
what will be

i have a feeling that i am falling but in the best way and i dont think that iwant to get back up again
its interesting because i am not sure that i want to be here
but im not so sure that i dont
i mean it feels right
like it is suppossed to happen
but i like what is happening right now and i want it to continue
i want him to be here
i want to be romantic again i miss it
but i want the physical part as well
i want all of it
i want all that i can get out of it
and i want to be able to savor every moment so that ican remember it later
thus i find myself falling and i dont want to get up

woot woot for senior year but it is interesting i have already quit my job becasue i dont have enough time to do that but i wonder if it will jsut get better from here or if it will get worse but there are always things to look forward to liek the plays that are coming up i wonder if what i am doing is right leaving eventually i wonder where love will take me

i love the theatre it fills me with a sense of completion it has what i love and what i need it has life music and dance it is a place where i dont have to be myself i have to be someone else it is where i make myself a new past and become a new person it is a challenge that pushes a person to their limits and yet keeps them in check it is creativitiy constantly flowing it is food for the soul

boys boys boys why are they so confusing soemtimes it seems like it is and undeniable thing for peopel to be unable to understand the opposite sex

There are always good and bad things in life.
good:
i finally got the internet back
i am leaving this side of the country
i had an amazing church camp experience
i got two marriage propossals in one week
im a senior
i moved
i get a white christmas this year
bad:
alot of my friends are leaving or are already gone
i will be leaving soon
my uncle died the day after my grandma had a stroke
i only spent one day with a really amazing guy at camp
the guy that i love lives on the other side of the country
my phone was stolen two days before the end of school so i dont have alot of phone numbers now
i havenot been able to hang out with alot of my friends

i need another girls night

i think that it is interesting that i finally found a guy that i really like and can actually see myself with for a long time and it turns out that he lives in New Jersey.

yet i think that it is sort of better becasue this might help me break the habit of dating so many guys

i made it up to eight guys this last school year by the way if anyone wanted to know

anyways i think that it will help to tell if jacob and i are going to last becasue he is on the other side of the country but i will be going over there for christmas

this school year schould be interesting. im killing myself with classes

drama 4
drama production
tutor core
avid
media design
english 4
trig/ precal
ap gov
president of humanitarians of tomorrow
city council
hostes at mimis

i think that i need to do more than this lol oh how i do miss everyone

1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on you

There are alot of times that I wonder where I am going and why I am doing all of this work. I wonder if there is some greater purpose and what it is leading me to.
I think that guys dont make sense to me alot and yet I like hanging out with them mroe then I like hanging out with girls. I dont know where i am going in the world of guys and ys it is a world of its own.
There are some guys that I like but I think that if I try and go after them then eventually they might just go away instead of come closer, which would curse the whole plan in general.
So what to do? That is the question at hand.
Oh ya and i got a date to prom, im going with Pascal Julietts little brother.
laters...

So there are people at school that call me a witch. You know what i say to them " hey just because i do fire ceremonies, where well all dance around fires, does not make me a witch".

Take a look at your Friends List, and list up to ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different LJ Friends... Do not state who these people are.
Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation' ...Then tag five (5) people ...
1)we miss you
2)you have tried you have succeeded but you must never give up
3)i wish that i knew you better
4)you try to hide from the world even though it is the world that you want to embrace and the world that you want to live with and be apart of so stop trying to hide
5) you may be far away but i still love you and your still one of my closest friends
6)thank you for being therewhen i neededyou
7)im sorry that i hurt you i did not want to hurt you it felt terrible to hurt you
8)you have put my world upside down in a way you have given me hope and ina way you have crushed it
9)ithought that you would make it someday and i still think that you will but where you are going i will not follow and i will not stop you
10)your always there even though yoru not seen or heard yourstill always there there
tag:bob, warren, dona, ian, jon

ap test is fri ahhhhhh and hwy doesnt anyone ever commetn on my lj anymore i feel so unloved

it seems like alot of things always happen in the intervening time of when i last posted and when i am now posting lets see here i had a girls night i cant talk about it because that is against the rules of girls night but i can say that it did me some good snow had broken up with me the wednesday before that so i was a little fucked up but i am doing better now i still have a lot of questions that need to be answered but as it stands i really dont think that he gives a shit so if he does not care then why shoudl i care i successfully hung around him today dint talk to him but i was there and my presence was felt because i talked to everyone else i had fun today i asked for my rign back and found out that he had thrown in after i gave it back to him because it had made him mad which i really dont understand and thus is one of the questions that i still need answered he has sort of been avoiding me that has been amusing me oh ya and i have another guy after me who just happened to ask me out the same day that snow broke up wh=ith me which i thought was kinda funny since he broke up with his finace that same day yes that is righ this finace he really asked this chick to marry him and she is only a sophmore which he is a senior ha that didnt work out but i am not going to date him rightnow i am not going to date anyone unless nsow asked me out again that mi might do but that is because i still love him and i probably always will ya tht is the thing with me when i love someone i love them for life i dont jsut say hey were not dating anymore i loved you then but i dotn love you now but this guy is telling me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me and i am like wooooah there calm down and then today he said that he owuld not see me after school because he had to do a project with tarnow his teacher so im like eh i dont really care whatever so i am hanging out with my ex jeff and were walking to him house and right across the street from school there he his with his arms around his ex fiance and i yelled hey nice project ahh it amused me it did not hurt at all it was just highly amusing so it goes to show how much i can trust him which leads me to tonight tonight i am going to a play but i got invited to a party afterwards shoudl be fun if my dad lets me go dont know what time i will be back but ineed to go out i need to go out and have fun woooo so that is what i intend to do without drinking and without drugs woot woot so ill catch you guys later when i find some more out i need i update this thing more anyways well got to go and get ready laters...

there is always a reason for everything a reason for why we are here a reaosn why things happen the way taht they happen or even why things dont happen or why thigs end you may not always like it and alot of times you might hate it but there is always that reason that drive that thing that is pushing you forward and teaching you what everything is all about teaching you how to live and how to be a better person what to do and what not to do it is teaching you to live i the moment and look to the futue it is also teaching you that you make your future in the acts of today you make tomorrow by what you do by yoru actions and the steps that you take you tell the world what you want what you need and the world gives it to you all you have to do is look and appreciate what is before you accept what has been given to you and be grateful that there is something or soeone that cares about you that you have made an impact on that would miss you if you were never around again you have to consider your opportunintes and the chances that you hve been presented with they are your choices take them and use them wisely for they may be yoru last and yoru first the ending of a story is never the end it is only the beginning of another part of that same story that will forever continue and will change as time and poeple change life is a never ending cycle we only play a part laters...

there is a wedding that i am going to i dont know i guess i get all sappy when weddings come around well see if this one has the same effect

with every day there is the good and there is the bad that is to be expected with evry situation weather it eb new or old there have been some changed situations recently and some friends lost in several schools but then again that is what i think that i want sometimes because i always do tend to fuck things up when they start to get good i tend to run away from the good becasue i think that if things get to good and i start to hope that they will stay that way or taht i have a feeling that they are going to stay good then they tend to make me fall harder i was asked once if i was going to do this for the rest of my life and i said that i dont know becasue i dont know what i will be doing for the rest of my life and that i cant determine that but i thik tht to an extent i might be able to because i know that i can change everything that i am it is more that i choose not to change who i am there i sso much that is going on right now that i have felt that i fi wrote on here how i truly felt no one would believe me and i still believe that but i need to get it out somewhere i dont really care weather or not people believe me anymore i have lost too many peope right now to care throguh this past situation i have made a new discovery that i believe that every person should go through at least once in their life so that they know where they truly are and who they are i have lost my best friend someone that i believed would be there for me for the rest of my life through think and thin someone that knows everything about me and yet does no tknow what to and what not to tell poeple about me through this situation i have gotten to clost to someone and again i have run away from them i think that i would understand if alot of poeple that are daniels friends are mad at me for what i have done in breaking up with him i think maybe i broke up with him because i was getting to close to attached and i was afraid that he to would leave just like everything else has i dont know i think maybe i am jsut way to fucked up

there are certain things that you want your best friend to go with you to experience for at least the first time especially if you dont want to go and are scared shitless of going anyways six flags on fridays maybe for gummermans birthday i am trying to get my dad to let me go seeing as how i have never been there before and i really wnat to go ahhhh i dont know i think that it is sort of interesting how often i change the people that i hang out with this time last year i was hanging out with alex and logan and now i am hangingout with snow and bruce and charles then there is always the fact that my dad asked out snows mom that is kinda creepy when you think about as long as you dont think about the fact that it is his mom and my dad then it is fine with me so i am listening to the soundtrack to once upon a mattress and it makes me sad becasue this is the play that harbor is putting on this semester and i could not be in it and it has midevil costumes and it has fun way out there music and dances it is just alot of fun well i cant wait until the end of april when i can see the play ahhh prom is in june and i am taking robbie ahh my best gay friend i miss him already and i saw him last week i am looking forward to going with my friend instead of going with someoen that i am dating becasue i think it will change my perspective on going to dances becasue so far i have not had that good of a time anyways time to go and do chores so that i can go to magic mountain laters...

Whatever you do, DON'T CLICK ON THIS!!!

so today is an interesting day as was yesterday and you know i dotn really know what is going on from one mintue to the next but tht is always a fun way to go becasue of all the parties and all the people that i have missed i think that it is sort of interesting tht i am finally hanging out with people that go to my own school again because for a while there i was only hanging out with people that go to cdm i kow that is not a bad thing but then again i think that sometimes i need to hang out with people that i have known for more than six months like alot of the people that are at this party tonight i have known them for like two to five years and i love it we are having a blast i decided to leave the crowd for a couple of mintues to make a post because i figure that i have nto made one in a while so i thought that i would i went to camp this weekend and i hd a blast i came to the realization that i only have three more camps left and the fact that if i am not made codirector at this camp then i can never be one becaue i wont be here and if i am here by the time that comes around i will be advisor age and then i cant be a codirector not i came to the conclusion that i only have three camps left because i have this winter this summer and next summer before i go off to school and i will have gone through initiantion and all that good stuff but i will be int he east cost and the only way that i will even be able to come back to the west coast is if i get a job and i dont knwo where i will be or even what church i will be going to so that sort of made me sad but then i was musing on these thoughts while at breakfast one morning at camp and my friends told me that if i could not come then they would go over there and kidnap me and make me come that sort of made me laugh and almost cry to know that people want to be around me tht much that they would go to that length to be with me and aroung me so i dont know what i am going to do or where i am going to go i know that my church is a big part of my life and that i want it to be there still and that one day someday i will end up running something weather it be the country the world or spreading rsi to as many people as i can who knows but now i have to get back to the party laters ...

why are the teenage years so damn confusing